The Health Of Your Relationship : The absence of suitable questioning is one of the biggest mistakes we can make in a relationship. You can learn more about your partner’s needs and desires from your time together by asking appropriate questions.
Leading relationship experts John Gottman, Ph.D., and Julie Gottman, Ph.D., who founded the Gottman Institute and wrote the book Fight Right, are psychologists who have spent years figuring out what makes a successful marriage work.
Additionally, the husband-wife team claims that you can tell if your partner is a long-term match by asking them a few simple questions. Locate their highest green flags up ahead.
The Health Of Your Relationship
1.Are they willing to accept responsibility?
Julie says that it’s critical that the other person accept responsibility for their portion of mishaps. Irrespective of the size of the altercation, it is crucial that they refrain from blaming someone else right away.
Occasionally, I receive inquiries from people asking prospective partners, “So how come your last relationship ended?” Watch out if they put all the blame on the other person, the ex,” she says. That raises a serious red flag.
John concurs, saying that he has witnessed a lot of failed relationships as a result of people’s unwillingness to accept responsibility. He continues, “Every therapy that hasn’t worked for me has involved one person refusing to accept responsibility for the issues in the relationship and placing the blame entirely on the other person.”
2.Do they pay attention to you?
When it comes to confiding in someone, does your partner support you? It matters that they actually take in what you have to say, not just hear it.Does that someone truly listen to you and understand if you’ve had a difficult day? Alternatively, do they abruptly shift the topic? “Oh, you think you had a terrible day?” is what I mean. I will describe my day to you. Julie says, “My day was so much worse.” Constantly avoiding could be a serious warning sign; listening is a sign of respect and care.
3.How do they deal with fight?
Successful relationships do not guarantee that arguments will not arise. In actuality, disagreements are an essential component of any successful partnership. John claims that when a couple’s relationship has deteriorated to the point where there is less intimacy, friendship, and conflict, they are practically living on different planets.
Arguments are natural and healthy! What counts is how you conflict. Does this person try to avoid conflict completely, a behavior known as the “avoidant” style according to the Gottmans? Do they become extremely volatile, or explosive, on an emotional level? Or do they listen to you quietly and then rationally (in a way that is positive and “validating”) present their position?
To be clear, it’s acceptable if your partner fights in a volatile or avoidant manner. According to John, “all three styles are acceptable as long as the conflict discussion’s positive to negative interaction ratio is at least five times [more] positive than negative.” John continues, “the problems arise when there’s a mismatch between partners,” so it’s still critical to understand each of your styles.
While every relationship is unique, a few fundamental components are always necessary: accountability, respect, dependability, and constructive conflict. Therefore, you probably have The Health Of Your Relationship on your hands if you have a positive conflict ratio and have answered “yes” to the first three questions posed by the Gottmans. Think of them as green flags.
Related: Love Languages: Understanding and Communicating Affection in Your Relationship